Flashpoint

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Excuse me, you've got two of the baby porridge?

A man with one vast eyebrow and thick glasses pointed at my basket and scowled as if looking down the toilet at a bog salmon.

We were in the baby food aisle. Around us, red-faced people were sweating and frantically shoving vast amounts of nonsense into their gigantic shopping trollies.

Armageddon had come.

I, on the other hand, was whistling a jaunty little tune, holding only a small handbasket to collect a few necessities. One of which was the baby porridge that prevents the Little Boom going boom.

I looked down at my little basket fondly, as if it were my first erection.

Yes, I do have two baby porridges. The little guy loves them.

I smiled in that long-suffering way that fathers do when they speak to other fathers who have been going through the same shit that they have all because they couldn't be arsed wearing a condom all those fraught years ago.

There are none left on the shelves.

Eyebrow said, with something of an accusing tone.

I looked to the now empty baby porridge section. He spoke the truth, I had nabbed the last two. I chuckled inwardly as that old saying ran through my mind - If you're not fast... you're last.

Somewhere nearby two women started shouting about cows.

Aye, hopefully they get some more in soon, eh? My wee guy goes through this like you wouldn't believe.

Again, I smiled. After all, the world should have more smiles. Especially with all the shit that is going on.

I noticed Eyebrow edge slightly closer to my basket. I had put it on the ground because I was too sophisticated a gentleman to be carrying a basket like an 18th-century washer-woman.

It's not really fair you taking all the porridge is it?

Eyebrow made a face at me as if he had burst into a room and caught me candling his wife's ears.

I always get two?

I said serenely.

Well, I don't think that's fair. You gonna give me one?!

He adopted a weird stance like he was a monkey with the runs trying to shit in a vase.

In a nearby aisle, something made a thud and a big splopping sound and a man shouted about calling the fucking cops.

Aha! Now I think I understood. This was like that video game, where society goes to shit and you have to make weapons out of anything available and kill your fellow man until you are the last one standing.

Or was that Highlander?

That would make Eyebrow the Kurgan then?

This was most unfortunate. Were we to be savages now? This was hardly gentlemanly. Perhaps I should offer him tickets to the theatre to cheer him up?

Eyebrow had reached my basket and was looking at me with a face that seemed to be made of equal parts corned beef and horse jizzum.

He tentatively stretched a hand toward one of my baby porridges...

Hmm. No theatre tickets for you, mateyfuckingchops.

If you touch my fucking basket I will fucking kill you.

Eyebrow froze mid porridge stretch then straightened up slowly.

Aye, alright, mate. Calm down.

He mumbled something about his wife killing him and huffed away down the aisle his shoulders bowed.

I nodded and picked up my basket.

We all have those wives.


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  • @galenkp

    Eyebrow was lucky you warned him rather than just go with your instincts to protect your porridge and simply kill him. He will live another day, to monkey-shit into a vase.

    It's getting mental here. Shouting matches at the supermarket, shelves devoid of almost bloody everything and people that need stuff just kind of wandering around in a daze. I was at the Mall today, buying corona-virus-lockdown-Lego and saw some lady with three littluns' trying to get a particular baby formula...She was telling the guy at the chemist (drug store?) that she had tried everywhere. She was a bit frazzled. I sort of felt sorry for her...But I guess she should have been prepared. I don't know, seems harsh, but it's the reality.

    I think things will get worse from here.

    Anyway, I'm glad you got your porridge without the need to shotgun Eyebrow in the stomach and blow his guts into aisle 3...As satisfying as that may be.

  • @fknmayhem

    Better one killed than two disabled in a wheelchair, and on the NHS, for life, right.

  • @slobberchops

    It will soon be time to take those 6-year-old tins of beans from these wrecks that I go into.

    Those beer kegs would keep us in nourishment for a few weeks from that burnt-out place I just posted about?

  • @davedickeyyall

    Just imagine the dangers if you had TP..

  • @tamaralovelace

    Hahaaa.. .good on you! I work in walmart, more's the pity, and see this sort of thing every day. We have started closing our 24 hour store from 11 PM to 6 am to avoid this sort of thing. The stated purpose of this closing is to sanitize and stock shelves. Sadly, not much of either goes on lol. I need to start posting about my adventures, I suppose.

    Stay healthy and happy over there!!

  • @ginnyannette

    Oh man. I am probably going into the trenches today. Stores are getting empied fast here, but I have not heard of any fighting yet. Last week I went in the morning when most young people were at work and it was full of older people that were friendly but looking anxious. I will just see if I can get my hands on a broom to beat anyone back with...

  • @roleerob

    Wow! Flashpoint indeed. What a mess you are describing @meesterboom, as I take it this was non-fictional ...

    The "human condition" in all of its uhhh ... "glory." Nice and civil on the surface, as that is the majority's preference.

    But ...

    Once circumstances strip that veneer away, what conviction is under there? We are finding out ...

  • @dreemit

    It really does feel like some kind of video game or apocalyptic movie! Mama Dreemit got shoved out of the way by a crazed woman lunging for the last three Keurig boxes when she was in trader Joe's! And this was a Costco's in California yesterday: https://twitter.com/lopp/status/1239676109731647491?s=09

    It's mad! Stark raving. Sheesh, well I got my beer for at. Patty's day, I'm good ;-)

  • @denmarkguy

    It's getting pretty nutty around here, too... "here" being Washington state, USA.

    People seem to be stocking up to hibernate for a couple of years, so the stores are empty. In two weeks, the people will still have two years' worth of supplies, and the stores will have been at least partially restocked.

    I think part of the problem is that so many daily activities people usually turn their attention to — from going to movies, to football, to going out to restaurants and clubs — have all be canceled, so now there's nothing to do other than get yourself worked up into a fever pitch panic.

    I'm glad you managed to make it out safely with your porridge!

  • @alishi

    Here people are also going crazy - I just do not understand it.

  • @anneke

    I do not even want to go to the shop - besides the fact that I hate shopping, i know weird for a woman, I am so over these people getting all worked up - I understand this is a pandemic but going hysterical and shouting at people and buying food for six months is not going to change it. I do not have money to buy in bulk and now that I am all alone in my house I will finish all the food that is still here. I will go then the cats' food it finish. No goodness I hope this virus goes away soon because we are just seeing again how crazy people can be.

  • @len.george

    A fine candidate to be #101 on Uncle Boom's list. What a pity he retired, he would have a full-time job now cleaning up the unworthy

  • @pocket-change

    FLAGGED FOR POOR QUALITY, AND EXCESSIVE UP-VOTES... ATTENTION @steemflagrewards and @chekohler... March 17, 2020... 23.1 Hollywood Time...

  • @gardenlady

    Big supermarkets here started early shopping hour for seniors only ("seniors" being 60+) First time I've ever been happy to be 60. Hard to believe I just typed "happy to be 60"!! ugh and geez. Anyhow, so today, I go early 6:45 am for senior hour. It was bliss. Like summer time Adult Swim. AND fresh stock of paper towels and CLorox disinfectant wipes! THe wipes hadn't been put on the shelves yet but I noticed that the top box on the pallet of new shipments had been opened and I could just snag me a container...uh oh...WHISTLE BLOW! Ma'am! Ma'am! Please ask first. I'll get that for you. And Only one per customer! I felt so shamed....but , only for a couple seconds ;0)

  • @old-guy-photos

    Its dog eat dog out there. I think I will be shopping with a scuba mask and oxygen tanks. May need to add speargun to the kit!

  • @janton

    lol..hilarious sir meesterboom! Is there any truth to this story?