Fish My Life


Daddy, Daddy, can we get this one!!

The Little Lady pogoed up and down excitedly beside me in the Fish Shop.

We were inside Waterworld which was an aquarium/fish selling shop in the city. Not to be confused with the shit Kevin Costner film of the same name where grown men and women ran about with gills and slippery nipples.

Dirty water people.

The Little Lady had been nudged in the direction of getting Fish as pets instead of Giant Dinosaur African Land Snails. Today was the day we were buying the fish and the tank in preparation for her birthday.

I ruffled her hair as if she were a small dog.

Aye, lass. It looks like a good tank.

I said with all the confidence of a man who knows fuck all about fish or tanks but had used fish tank tubing and a giant bottle to make a quite amazing, many nozzled bong back in the day.

It was a fine thing till one of my friends mistook it for the dread Cthulu when we were all out of our chumps once and attacked it.

I sauntered up to the counter where an exceptionally hot chick lay in wait, the silken threads of her web vibrating slightly as I moved closer.

Can we get that tank? It's for my daughter.

I pulled my daughter close so that Fish Girl could see what mighty seed I had.

Yeah, what are you putting in it?

Fish Girl flicked her hair over one of her luscious shoulders.

I noticed she had no gills and made a small prrff'ing noise of approval before doing a double-take.

What am I putting in it?

I repeated slowly.

Surely she wasn't implying my penis. For the love of God, I had the Little Lady with me??

Yeah, you know. Plants, gravel, all that kind of stuff.

Fish Girl waved lazily toward a tank full of watery green weeds and then at a shelf containing numerous bags of gravel.

Oh wow!! Can I pick stuff for my tank, Daddy?

The Little Lady hared off to buy the rest of the shop.

You've owned fish before then? You know what you are doing?

Fish Girl asked casually.

Nah. Never owned them. Just gonna buy a tank and some fish and plop them in it.

I said with a worldly chuckle.

Oh. You won't be able to do that? You will have to condition the water over a period of days. We have stuff for it, see here?

She proceeded to pull out several bottles and then bore me to death with detailed instructions on how to keep fish. As she droned on, my new found love for her scattered away into nothing like jizz in a bath.

The instructions all seemed to boil down to me not keeping the promise to my daughter that she would have fish for her birthday because of bacteria and water and fish being fussy wee bastards.

The Little Lady came running back over with an armful of stuff for the tank and dumped it on the counter.

Daddy, come and see. I have chosen the fish I want. I can't wait to get them home! Just in time for my birthday!!

She was practically shrieking with delight.

With a deflated hump I got down on one knee.

Well, you know you wanted them in time for your birthday? And I promised you that and the world and stuff?

She nodded eagerly.

I closed my eyes momentarily and wished I had earplugs.


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  • @nonameslefttouse

    Should have just went with the snail...

  • @abh12345

    Fish tank bong, legend!

    Pets are just a pain, and then they die. Go for a cat as well, will β€˜help’ to keep the tank clean 😁

  • @raj808

    I'd say good decision going with fish. I had a giant African land snail as a pet as a kid... Well cause I was an odd child.

    But what a lot of people don't know is that they're hermaphroditic so when my snail got jiggy with itself there were like 200 little baby snails born .

    My mum said I had to get rid so I went to release them in my local park, and a coupe of asshole kids from my area got a hold of my tesco bag full of baby snails and smashed them to a slimy mess in front of me. I gave one of them a black eye but the other two kicked the shit out of me.

    Fun times growing up in toxteth Liverpool in the 80's. I still can't watch a Frenchie eat snails without wanting to punch him in the chops πŸ˜†

  • @old-guy-photos

    Yeah but really keeping fish is fun. There is all of that start up nonsense, but once it is going (and you get someone else to clean it) it is major fun. My kids had a gold fish that grew to being proper big over the years! I would guess he got up to about 5 pounds or more! lol. You will may enjoy it after a bit.

  • @ryivhnn

    What kind of fish are you trying to get? I don't recall having to condition water for exhorbitant time periods with your boring basic goldfish and guppies XD

    Hell I don't even remember conditioning water at all, basically fill tank, let it stand for a day or so which gives you time to wash your gravel and plants and then decorate tank, and then go get fish and float them in the tank in their transport bags, then you open the transport bag and let in some tank water, float a bit more, then a bit more tank water, then put the mouth of the transport bag into the tank and let them swim out.

    Only time my fish ever died was when they were suicidal and when I needed friends/housemates to look after them when I went home (uni students do stupid things like photograph fish in beer bottles apparently) XD
  • @jacobtothe

    I have a plan to make pet rocks the new retro craze that can ensnare the zoomer generation and whatever the heck we call the current batch of toddlers. I don't think I can launch it in time to capture the Little Lady's interest before her birthday, but maybe we can add blockchain QR codes and get Justin Sun to try to buy it out in a couple years. You in?

  • @dreemit

    Oh, now see this is the point where you grab a little goldfish bowl with two of those easy to take care of suckers to keep little lady company as the real tank wealth of experience, haha!